Why do I get so triggered? The question underneath the question.

Most of us encounter moments when we feel reactive. A partner or friend may say something in a particular tone of voice and you feel a sudden urge to defend yourself or to withdraw from the conversation. You're driving and someone cuts you off. You suddenly feel enraged and swear at the other driver and you’re in a bad mood for the rest of the day. You send an email to someone and you don't hear back. Within hours you find yourself wondering what you did wrong; perhaps they're annoyed with you, and the anxiety starts to spiral. Rationally, you recognise that your reaction is out of proportion to what happened, but the emotions feel overwhelming. In those situations we often react (internally or externally) in ways that are stronger than what the situation warrants. The reaction isn't irrational ­– it's a response to something real, just not to what's in front of you right now.

From a neuroscience perspective, this comes down to how our brains are wired. The amygdala (the brain's threat-detector) fires faster than the prefrontal cortex, which is the part of the brain that does the careful thinking. By the time you've consciously registered what happened, your body has already responded. This is why the reaction can feel like it came out of nowhere, and why telling yourself it isn't a big deal doesn't switch it off.

From a psychological perspective, the trigger response is often unconscious which is why it shows up suddenly and intensely. When I unpack the reasons behind the trigger with clients, there is often a past hurt that activates our defence system, making us hypervigilant to similar threats. For example, your friend’s tone of voice in that moment may unconsciously remind you of being scolded by a caregiver or teacher and you feel under attack. Not hearing back from someone you reached out to can activate your fear of rejection. Shining a light on the underlying meaning and patterns helps to increase our awareness. Whilst insight alone is not always sufficient, it’s an important step towards change. As our awareness grows, we can slow down our reaction and start to have a choice about how we want to react.

While much of the work is exploring the meaning we've attached to a trigger, it's worth noting that sometimes the trigger is a signal: a sign that something in the present situation genuinely needs attention. Whilst it is essential to learn to tell those apart, that is a topic for another blog.

Returning to the out-of-place reactions: the emotions involved (for example, anger, sadness, hurt, disappointment, guilt, anxiety) are uncomfortable, and we instinctively want to move away from them. We're hardwired to seek pleasure and avoid pain.

We often add an additional layer of pain: self-judgement. Why am I so triggered? Clearly it’s not a big deal, so why can’t I just stay calm and relaxed? While this may seem like a drive towards wholeness, it is actually judgement in disguise. There is something wrong with me for feeling this way. I shouldn’t be feeling this way. This self-judgement is a close relative of other uncomfortable feelings, such as guilt and shame.

Many of us who are on a path of self-development and spiritual growth can experience this particularly intensely. The deep longing for peace and calmness leads to an urge to eradicate unpleasant emotions, so when we still experience them, it elicits a feeling of failure. I should not be feeling angry, I should be calm. If I were enlightened I would not be reacting may be some of the thoughts that surface in those moments. This erroneous thinking comes from the false belief that in order to be spiritual we need to be free from all negative emotions. Whilst authentic spiritual development generally involves becoming less reactive, it does not mean that we never have any emotions or negative thoughts. It’s how we deal with those when they surge up. It's the internal dialogue that changes — from I must not feel this, I must get rid of these feelings to it's okay that I have these thoughts and feelings. This acceptance often relieves the additional layer of judgement and pressure. This is a process, and it can become yet another thing we're failing at, if self-compassion hasn’t yet taken root. Acceptance isn’t the same as resignation; it is a process of pausing the conflict within to allow a shift in attitude to happen.

As human beings we naturally seek to understand ourselves. So when a client asks why they get so triggered, it’s a worthwhile question to explore as clarity can shift our attitude from self-criticism towards compassion and acceptance. In therapy and coaching we explore this through curiosity and open-mindedness. We might reflect together on what the trigger actually was (a tone of voice, a word, a gesture), what meaning we gave it, and how those elements relate to past experiences. The insight into the complexities of a seemingly simple incident can foster a more compassionate stance, which relieves the overlay of criticism and opens the door to healing past hurts held by our wounded inner child. Meeting our younger parts is where deep healing can happen.

So what actually helps?

The key lies in addressing the idealisation of a self that is free from attachment and reaction. Once we accept that we can't remove the triggers around us — we can't control everything — we can approach those moments differently, and over time the intensity and frequency of feeling triggered begin to reduce. It isn’t a technique to manage ourselves, but an internal attitude that helps us navigate uncomfortable moments in our lives. This process takes time and consistent practice to become embedded.

So if you find yourself getting activated, take some time to pause and become curious about what feels destabilising. Notice what is happening in your body. Allow yourself to discover what that moment is showing you.